Some time ago I wasn't really feeling myself. I would have so many mood swings and wouldn't understand why. I would have so many negative thoughts and saw no hope in anything that was going on. I would isolate myself from the people whom I trusted most and go talk to others, just because I didn't want to bother them with my problems while they probably had problems of their own. I felt like if I would they wouldn't understand me either, why would they if even I don't understand myself?? I really didn't get why I was acting that way. I shut myself completely out without saying a word to them. I'm really the worst. Up till last Sunday I didn't understand why I was acting that way.
I didn't even want to find out why. I just ignored everything and just lived on. For the first time in life I ran away from a problem, I was enjoying the current situation so I just let it be and went on.. It was strange, because I hate running away from my problems. It's just not me at all. The more time went by the more I realised I wasn't me. I was far from Musa. I really wasn't Musa at all. I really didn't know how to deal with it or change it. I just went along with the flow and ignored the fact that I had started hurting others. I really didn't care. For the first time I thought I was thinking of myself and just let everything slide.. I wasn't making sense at all. What started as let me not tell and by that not hurt others ended up being, let me enjoy myself without caring about others. I saw their pain and still I didn't do anything. I didn't know what to do. I just didn't get myself..
Last Sunday the title of the message was "Behold the man" based on John 19:4. It was all about behold, now the literal meaning of behold = see, observe,.. It was about Jesus who was man and God at the same time. They looked at 3 different things that Jesus did where you could see that He was man AND God.It was also about faith and fear. Faith= the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. Fear= your doubt, your distraction. (This part is just to help you understand the symbolics and the rest of the story)Between everything that was said I realised something: I had to behold myself and see where I went wrong. You know that when you're scared or when you're strong, it's a choice that u consciously make? Yeah well.. Here you go if you didn't know (what I didn't either before I heard the message) I realised that my feeling down and loosing hope was a choice that I made. I chose for fear over faith. I was running away because I was scared and I knew that I couldn't do it myself. I don't know why I let it slip my mind that God doesn't want you to do it yourself. I don't know where my faith went to. Sometimes choosing fear seems the easiest thing to do, but trust me the easy way always turns out harder than the difficult way. I don't know why I didn't just go to my friends and tell them the truth from the beginning. I didn't only loose faith in general, but also in my friends. This is the worst thing I've ever done, because loosing faith in life and friends, to me it's like loosing faith in God, because God works through other people and through different circumstances.
Conclusion: always be aware of what you choose: faith or fear? The way you can make sure that you always make the right choice, is by making sure that your foundation is right!! If you are a believer, you have to make sure u know and understand enough of the Word, so that you can stand firmly in your faith and know on what your faith is based! Keep practising your faith and keep growing in faith, so that your choices will be made based on the truth! Even if you don't believe make sure you check your choices and make sure that they are based on the truth. On top of that, be honest to yourself and others ( lol I'm saying this cause it will really help you.. I also had to get real with myself and now I also have to be honest with others..) I'm not saying this like its easy please don't take it that way it really isn't. Like no way.. Some times you'll go through things the hard way, but that always results to the best!
~Musa
